2020 Is A Stephen King Novel

By Glen Lamont

Last Saturday morning I opened the blinds to gaze upon the majestic North Shore mountains only to be greeted by smoke so thick that it made Beijing look like Oahu and a cluster of Looper Moths starting to congregate on the lower corner of the window. Needless to say it was creepy as hell. About an hour later the moths had taken over pretty much one whole window. But for 2020 this is pretty normal.

The next day Vancouver had almost 700 people participate in the Freedom Rally, which was a mish mosh of Anti Maskers, Anti-Vaxxers, Anti Muslim/Immigrant groups, Qanon beleivers and alt- right types and of course no one was wearing a mask because Covid 19 is not a real thing and shut up you’re not the boss of me. Also, this is Canada not Nevada (no offence Nevada…the roller coaster at New York New York is amazing and I’m sure you have many other fine cultural monuments). Sound arguments to say the least. How does Stephen King fit in all of this? Well let’s take a look.

Donald Trump is the real life character Greg Stillson (Presidential candidate who will destroy the world if elected) from The Dead Zone by Stephen King and the Looper Moth infestation here in Vancouver combined with the thick smoke from Washington State wildfires is eerily close to another King story, The Mist. And finally, let’s not forget The Stand; deadly influenza pandemic, bands of roving alt- right psychopaths loyal to dictator in training Randall Flag pitted against ordinary folks just trying to survive as society breaks down, who are following the path to a 108 year old black woman named Mother Abigail, a soothsayer from Nebraska. IS ANY OF THIS SOUNDING FAMILIAR PEOPLE?!!

So yes, 2020 has essentially combined some of Kings most terrifying and enduring works into one laugh a minute apocalyptic year. I mean really, what else could go wrong? Other than say Adele wearing Bantu knots. Wait….what?!! BTW America, now would be the ideal time to take over Canada as Hockey is back on and we are not paying attention to anything else. That’s why we’ve done so much better at this whole pandemic thing than you guys…..because from October to April every year we self isolate while watching Hockey….so pandemic-panshmemic….know what I’m saying? Also the fact that our leader is not a baby handed, racist, narcissistic, draft dodging, mentally challenged, rapist. ( Justin Trudeau on the other hand is damn good looking….which is why he gets a pass on being a misogynistic liar, thief and unintentional racist…..did I mention he’s a damn fine looking man?) Anyway, invading Canada could be a thing that reunites your country. Just a thought.

I had an American say to me the other day, “why do you care so much about our country’s politics anyway?” Well let’s examine that; Wildfire smoke, anti-maskers/vaxxers, Make Canada Great Again Hats, The Pandemic, You people wanting to move here because your country is starting to resemble Afghanistan on a bad day, Crazy person in charge of the largest nuclear arsenal on the planet who happens to live downstairs, Justin Bieber ( oh wait …sorry…that one’s on us), your police are a bad influence on our police ( actually that’s not true…our police are perfectly capable of being racist all by themselves…but your guy’s don’t help), TARIFFS, we did you a solid with the whole Meng Wanzhou thing and we haven’t heard from you since, well except for THE TARIFFS!!, and finally…..any one of the many countries that you people bomb into the stone age on a daily basis may not be able to tell the difference when it comes to retaliation because to them ALL WHITE PEOPLE LOOK THE SAME!! I hope that answers your question.

Moving right along , Bill Gates says that he denies the conspiracy theory that he created the virus. Which is exactly what a guy who created a virus would say RIGHT?!! Sorry….No more subreddits for this guy before bed. Now other than the fact that he’s actually a lizard person…..what? Okay….so a lot of people don’t trust Bill and Melinda and all their helpy helper philanthropy , but the fact is that they have spent hundreds of millions of dollars on vaccines and vaccine research and they are very involved in trying to find a Covid 19 vaccine. Despite the fact that he’s a gazillionaire, I believe Bill and Mrs. Bill are actually spending their own money to help others and that probably makes them ineligible as members of The Truly Malevolent Evil club (the Koch brothers were overheard saying; “Great, more Soylent Green for the rest of us!”). What he does say is that if a vaccine was properly tested in all phases, received FDA approval and approval by similar bodies in other countries, and was distributed globally, we could get this puppy put to bed by the end of 2022! Which is a whole lot better than just immunization for the wealthier nations and then waiting for the virus to spread in order to achieve herd immunity everywhere else, which would take at minimum, 5 years.

Now along with the Pandemic paranoia, rampant unemployment, day drinking hipsters and anti-maskers…..America can’t seem to get their police to stop shooting Black people and other people of color. How difficult can it be?!

BLM: Please stop murdering us in the streets!!

Police: Got it…..

(Gunshot)

BLM: What the hell was that?

Police: ….what was what?

At this point many of you may be saying; “hey quit picking on America!” Well, if you’d read any of my other stuff you’d know that I mostly pick on Canada….and pretty much anyone else who annoys me. So I am an equal opportunity offender! Which probably explains why the whole Travel Writer thing never really worked out. Just one more quick thing on the Good Ole US Of A. Possibly the only positive thing Trump has done while in office, albeit unintentionally, was make Kevin Costner’s The Postman relevant. Despite what the critics had to say I enjoyed that movie and also it was one of Tom Petty’s very rare appearances on the Big Screen besides Fast Times at Ridgemont High…also a great film….(film critic also didn’t work out for me).

I’ve been hearing this a lot lately; “I think everyone has a right to peaceful protest but destroying property and businesses is just too far!” Let me just say this to that…..Colin Kapaernick….The man simply took a knee during the National Anthem (also why is the National Anthem played when both teams are American….I mean it’s not the world cup) and people, mostly all white, lost their shit!! That gesture BTW was taken from the right Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King and I cannot think of a more non-threatening gesture than that. Also if you think a piece of property is worth more than a human life…..you are either extremely privileged or a sociopath. But let’s be honest, white people are losing their shit over everything these days. There’s this meme that’s been circulating on Facebook that is the epitome of white privilege and how terrified white people are of losing their place in the pecking order. It says;” I never cared if you were gay until you started shoving it down my throat. I never cared what color you were until you started blaming my race for your problems….” and so on , you see where this is going? The reason I bring this up is I see this being circulated on Crackbook by folks that I thought were fairly intelligent which leads me to believe that a lot of people I thought I knew are actually inbred hillbillies. The meme finishes with this; “My patience and tolerance are almost gone. I am not alone in feeling this way, there are millions who do! And WE HAVE HAD ENOUGH!” You don’t get much more threatening than that. But here’s the thing, I guarantee you none of the people who shared this meme have ever had any personal dealings with BIPOC, any member of the LGTBQ community or for that manner anyone who experiences any kind of discrimination. They are just repeating what they’ve heard on FOX news, seen on social media or heard down The Legion on Saturday night. But what it does tell us is that the minute white folks are asked to examine their part in the racist history of their nations, they start getting all “get off my lawn”.

And just when you thought 2020 couldn’t get any worse……..the Boogaloo Bois….happen! Listen, ever since Magnum PI, I have been a fan of Hawaiian Shirts but it seems like everytime I turn around some dickhead is making them unpopular (just don’t…okay?) again. This time it happens to be a bunch of white guys wearing combat pants and carrying AR 15s and yes…..WEARING HAWAIIAN SHIRTS!! According to them they support anyone who hates the government and cops and they believe a race war is imminent……probably because they are the ones planning on starting it. Although they claim they support BLM, they are overwhelmingly young white males wearing combat gear and carrying automatic weapons, so it’s a little like hunters saying they fully support the deer.

And finally this year has also brought with it the rise of Qanon. I first heard of them because of a thing called “Pizzagate”. Pizzagate was a conspiracy theory that there was a human trafficking and child sex ring being operated out of a pizza restaurant in Washington DC that was run by the Democrats with the Clintons in particular being behind it. One guy, a man named Edgar Maddison from Salisbury, North Carolina, drove all the way to Comet Ping Pong Pizza toting an AR-15 to see for himself. He fired off 3 shots, terrified the customers (including kids) and staff and was promptly arrested. The reason I personally was interested in Pizzagate was nothing to do with Qanon but rather my own theory that the girl at the Domino’s by my house and the delivery guy conspired to get my order wrong EVERY SINGLE TIME!!

Anyway Qanon really got popular during the Pandemic because of the age old problem; too much time on your hands. So a Pandemic, people asked to stay at home, lots of day-drinking and unfettered access to the internet. What could possibly go wrong? The one thing I never underestimate is the general public’s stupidity. The late great George Carlin said it best; ““Tell people there’s an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.” So Qanon believes that a cabal of Satan-worshiping pedophiles running a global child sex-trafficking ring is plotting against President Donald Trump, who is battling them, leading to a “day of reckoning” involving the mass arrest of journalists and politicians. No part of the theory is based on fact. Pretty complicated and complex don’t you think? But tell people that the virus is spread by droplets and that wearing a mask and social distancing is the best way to protect one another…..FASCISTS!! You can’t take away our freedom!! Deepstate lies!!

FYI….In 1918 there was a Pandemic caused by The Spanish Flu. It did not originate in Spain but was called the Spanish flu because Spain was one of the few countries to remain neutral during the 1st World War and therefore their news was not censored. In the US and elsewhere it was kept quiet because they figured they had enough to worry about what with the war and all. Anyway, so you’ve got a Pandemic, massive unemployment, people looking for a saviour figure and people who aren’t all that impressed with stuff like science. Got news for ya folks….the exact same circumstances that allowed the rise of Hitler and the Nazi Party. The only difference is that now any moron with a pulse has access to the internet when they are forced to stay at home while day drinking.

So I’m really hoping that 2021 is gonna be a whole lot better but since President Bonespurs has vowed not leave the whitehouse if defeated in November, we just found out that Ruth Bader Ginsburg has died, half the world is literally on fire and the other half is rioting aaaaaand we haven’t had the SECOND WAVE of Covid19 yet!! So ya know, probably not. What I do know is, if there is a God…they are giving it a serious “I fucking told ya so” right now. In the meantime Stephen King will not have to worry about writers block for many years to come.